Welcome to Turner Land. Enjoy your stay.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

How to Prepare for a Night Out: Part 1.

To help bridge the gap between those of us who are applying for AARP and the 20somethings that are in touch with the latest club scenes...here's the list of how to prepare for your night out on the town/clubbin.
  • TOP SELECTION: Ladies. Shirts that fit are OUT!! You simply must have a top that is one size too small. Why? Because how else are you going to showcase your twins if they aren't busting (pun intended) out? More boobs showing=more free drinks. Double bonus points if your top's first button is strategically located between your twins.

  • BOTTOM SELECTION: You have a few choices here. A very short, tight black mini can work for you. Just be careful when the "Low" song comes on...you can't get low without a Spears' flash of your haha. If you prefer to get your groove on, the skinny jeans with sleek knee-high boots on the outside is the route to take. Again, more drinks will come if you can't breathe in these jeans. Sitting is simply not an option. Muffin tops sold separately.

  • SHOES: These are an often over-looked accessory, but it can make or break your ensemble. The shoe of choice MUST include 2 inch heels. Although you'd think these would be uncomfortable....wait...they ARE! All the more fun added to the challenge. Double bonus if you can't walk in them because the heels are too skinny. Nothing is more attractive than a female wobbling across the dancefloor.
  • MAKEUP: The key here is to draw attention to your most expressive attribute: your eyes. Don't be afraid of the eyeliner. There is no such thing as too much. Think raccoon. The club will be dark...we want the whites of your eyes to glow like Ross' teeth on Friends. Double bonus points if you can slap on some fake eyelashes too.

  • SMALL TALK: It is imperative to seal the deal with a bubbling personality to go with your bubbling beverage of choice. What better way to display your inner-you than by mind-numbing small talk. Parroting whatever is said to you is the safest route. Although, simply giggling, nodding, and talking extensively about minute details (like how much wine you've already consumed) cannot be discounted here. Please don't forget the side of “fishing for compliments” by commenting on your “big butt,” “thunder thighs,” “flabby arms,” etc. You are sure to draw attention to your perfect rock-hard body by pointing out your "flaws."

So all in all my friends, there is much to be said about the preparation to branch into the new generation of club scenes. Stay tuned for the next installment of How To Prepare...

Note to self: Invest in Icy Hot and ankle braces to make it through the night with the 20somethings.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Reflections of Blue Knob

Last weekend, I accompanied the band, Justin Mack, to Blue Knob Ski Resort for some winter wonderland experiences. Here's the hit list of observations.
  • People slow down for flashers regardless of the flashers use. Even if the state cruiser is CLEARLY escorting some precious cargo on a wide flat-bed truck, everyone slows down to 35 mph on Rt. 70. Awesome. Do they realize this is the one time they can fly past and not get caught?
  • PA is COLD. The -13 windchill reminds me exactly why I moved away from the frigid north.
  • Blue Knob=Out Cold the movie. Watch it and learn.
  • Don't eat pretzels in bed even if you think you're being careful. Those little salt granules are abrasive and hard to see on white sheets!
  • Sheetz MTO rocks.
  • Wedges can fly...from my trunk into the middle of the parking lot.
  • Naps are completely necessary.
  • Never underestimate the number of times the phrase "I love you" can be used in 1 hour by numerous liquor-loving patrons.
  • You can have entertainment ADD. Be careful about the bands/djs you book. They may not mesh well.
  • The 1980s are alive and well on the mountain. Tight jeans were the number 1 offense committed by men. Huge hair maintained by Aquanet tops the list for the ladies. Only 1 pair of jorts were present.
  • Showers and deodorant are NOT optional.

Note to self: Open a dance studio for those who'd like to be corrupted by experiences of dj'd events.
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