Are you from around here?

If there is one thing that separates city mice from country mice it would be the mastery of the mass transit system. Does it take a trained eye to tell the difference between a "local" and a "tourist?" No. Here's why.

1. Tourists display MTA...mass transit anxiety. It can take a number of forms, but is most commonly displayed in these ways:

• The look of terror at the realization that one has gone the wrong way on the Metro.
• The fidgeting and constant checking of the map on the side of the car/bus...as if they missed their stop between the last time the doors opened and the current moment.
• Those who get picked from the herd as the Darwinian doors of the Metro close and they don't fight through.
• Those who resemble the nerdy kid who is searching for a seat on the school bus as there are no available seats...and the thought of being the ONE person standing is too much humiliation for one ego to take.
• Why do they hate standing? Because these tourists don't have "Metro legs" aka know how to position/brace themselves so they don't trip/fall/stumble when the Metro starts/stops.
• Statue syndrome. These idiots get on/off the car and just stand there as if their will to walk has ceased to exist. Perhaps prior experience of going the wrong way has scarred them for life.
• The cringe of disgust when a complete stranger sits next to them...or tries to talk to them. It gets even more severe when said stranger smells and tourists are not used to smelly transportation.

2. Locals heckle the tourists. These meanies will stare and laugh, point and laugh, scream and swear, push and shove, etc. Why do they heckle? Because it was done to them...they feel the need to keep the tradition alive since they too were the subjects of public humiliation when their dollar bills wouldn't go into the bus meter.

3. Locals also know "the rules" of traveling...aka...what you can and can't bring on the Metro with you. More importantly, the locals know what they SHOULD or SHOULDN'T bring. Tourists are the freaks trying to carry 8 bags and luggage during the morning commute.

4. Locals don't laugh at the colorful characters who are regular riders of public transportation.

5. Locals sleep and read on the Metro. Tourists are too stressed out to relax and do anything other than focus 100% of their attention on getting off at the right stop.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE: if anyone in a security uniform asks you, "are you from around here," the locals KNOW to answer NO since they have obviously broken a law of some form. Right McC? =)

NOTE TO SELF: Practice acting like a local...or the therapy is going to get too expensive.