But seriously...
Rough day today. I find myself questioning AGAIN why I'm a teacher. (But Turner, you're not in school now. How is it possible that you're questioning that AGAIN??) Well, after attending my second funeral of a student and noting that I've lost 5 in 5 years, it makes me wonder.
It makes me wonder a lot of things.
To me, there are few things that feel worse than hopelessness. Hopelessness loomed in the chapel today as we heard the eulogy of a 16 year old girl with a bright future ahead. Although I didn't know her that well, it was time for reflection on the others lost. I felt hopeless against the "invincible" teenaged thought process, the drug issues, the "it will never happen to me" syndrome. Is it possible to do this job and not feel hopeless? Is it possible to do this job and not invest and care in them (even the "challenging" ones)? Is it possible to go a year without losing another one?
Then the second notion hits: fear. I don't like to be afraid. I try not to be. What is there to fear? I fear feeling hopeless. I fear feeling the loss of a loved one. I fear that I could have done something to prevent some of these losses.
And I know that it's irrational, but is it possible to teach/coach these kids and not have that fear?
Note to self: People who cut in funeral processions should have to do grounds keeping in the cemetaries.
It makes me wonder a lot of things.
To me, there are few things that feel worse than hopelessness. Hopelessness loomed in the chapel today as we heard the eulogy of a 16 year old girl with a bright future ahead. Although I didn't know her that well, it was time for reflection on the others lost. I felt hopeless against the "invincible" teenaged thought process, the drug issues, the "it will never happen to me" syndrome. Is it possible to do this job and not feel hopeless? Is it possible to do this job and not invest and care in them (even the "challenging" ones)? Is it possible to go a year without losing another one?
Then the second notion hits: fear. I don't like to be afraid. I try not to be. What is there to fear? I fear feeling hopeless. I fear feeling the loss of a loved one. I fear that I could have done something to prevent some of these losses.
And I know that it's irrational, but is it possible to teach/coach these kids and not have that fear?
Note to self: People who cut in funeral processions should have to do grounds keeping in the cemetaries.
posted by Mrs. Mack @ 11:59 PM
2 Comments:
At 1:45 PM ,
MAMA said...
Your fears are not unfounded with 5 losses in 5 years. For what it's worth YOU can do no more than care and give 100% while you work with these kids as they try to figure themselves and life out. We as adults can do no more or less than that. Look at the ones you have helped and try to hold on to that joy. Teaching, as coaching, is a calling not a job. All you can do is answer when you can, offer love and understanding even when you can't see it does any good, and continue to do you work with the spark you have always had. Now you move on to the next group and hope you can prevent this with another unknown teen.
At 5:46 PM ,
Anonymous said...
It looks kinda like you answered your "why am I a teacher" probe while asking your other questions. I heard (on Saturday, from the Suttons) about Stephanie's suicide. I didn't know you were going to the funeral - I didn't even know about the funeral. Not that I should have.
PS> In general, I agree with Mama up there. Do what you can.
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